Sexual Abuse

This topic, as you can all imagine, hits close to home. I have had my own experiences with sexual abuse, as you all know.

Sexual Abuse is when any one person, touches another inappropriately through any form of sexual contact without their consent. It's a little harder for children because most of the time they don't really know what's going on or more importantly, don't know that it is wrong.

The older the child is, the more knowledge they may have about it, but still think that it may be their fault.

For anyone who has been sexually abused, you should know that it is NEVER your fault. In most cases, the abuser is not well. They create scenarios in their head, excuses as to why it isn't wrong, etc.

Sexual abuse comes in many forms:

• Unwanted kissing or touching.
• Unwanted rough or violent sexual activity.
• Rape or attempted rape.
• Refusing to use condoms or restricting someone’s access to birth control.
• Keeping someone from protecting themselves from sexually transmitted infections (STIs).
• Sexual contact with someone who is very drunk, drugged, unconscious or otherwise unable to give a clear and informed “yes” or “no.”
• Threatening or pressuring someone into unwanted sexual activity.

If you or someone you know is being sexually abused, SPEAK UP!

I made the mistake of waiting until the police were knocking at my door. This is a very serious matter and one that should be put to rest. 

For information regarding sex offenders in your area, go to this website. 

Physical Abuse

I have been dreading this post because I have a friend who went through it with her father and it was really hard to see. She would call me sometimes crying because she needed to get out of the house and would ask if she could come over to get away from it. She would come over and just want to cry. So cry she did and I would be there right with her, holding her just letting her cry. I would tell her that she needs to turn him in but she never would. She was afraid that if she did, her mom would be mad.

PEOPLE!

Please listen to me! If you are being physically abused and you are seriously scared for your life, don't let other people stop you from securing your safety. Even if it's your parents. 

There is never EVER an excuse for someone to put their hands on another unless they are trying to defend themselves. 

Physical abuse can happen to anyone. Babies, Children, Teens, Young Adults, Adults, and even Elderly people. 

And it is never too late to get help. Physical abuse is a very unfortunate thing and it can be prevented!



Some examples of physical abuse are:

• Scratching, punching, biting, strangling or kicking.
• Throwing something at you such as a phone, book, shoe or plate.
• Pulling your hair.
• Pushing or pulling you.
• Grabbing your clothing.
• Using a gun, knife, box cutter, bat, mace or other weapon.
• Smacking your bottom.
• Grabbing your face to make you look at them.
• Grabbing you to prevent you from leaving or to force you to go somewhere.

I'm sure you have all heard of this book. And if you haven't here's a summary:

"This book chronicles the unforgettable account of one of the most severe child abuse cases in California history. It is the story of Dave Pelzer, who was brutally beaten and starved by his emotionally unstable, alcoholic mother: a mother who played tortuous, unpredictable games--games that left him nearly dead. He had to learn how to play his mother's games in order to survive because she no longer considered him a son, but a slave; and no longer a boy, but an "it." 

Dave's bed was an old army cot in the basement, and his clothes were torn and raunchy. When his mother allowed him the luxury of food, it was nothing more than spoiled scraps that even the dogs refused to eat. The outside world knew nothing of his living nightmare. He had nothing or no one to turn to, but his dreams kept him alive--dreams of someone taking care of him, loving him and calling him their son." 

It's a really sad story but it was one that I could, in some way, relate to. It's a true story and the author is the one who was the victim. 

My sophomore year, it was a required reading and when we were all done, we were to write a letter to any author that we had read that semester. After the letters were written, my teacher, Ms. Pepper, sent the letters to a contest and we all awaited to see how our letters did. I got a semi-finalist award and was able to meet him among some other people in Olympia at the state library.

Anyways, all that is beside the point.

Dave Pelzer has an amazing story but not all of us are able to overcome something to traumatic. 

If you are a victim of Physical Abuse don't be afraid to speak up. Talk to someone who you can trust like a parent, friend, colleague, ANYONE! 

You don't need to continue to put yourself in harms way. Because no one deserves it. It's an unfortunate occurrence that happens more than it should.

Go to this website to find out some statistics on physical abuse last year; 2012.

Women are more likely than men to be a victim of domestic violence. 

One in four women (25%) of experienced some kind of domestic abuse in her lifetime.

For more facts like the one above, go to this website.

Financial Abuse

What is financial abuse?

I know that I have never heard of this before so I have just as many questions as you! So I will answer the question and give you some facts about this kind of abuse.

Financial abuse is when, your spouse, partner, parent, or whoever, likes to take control of how you spend YOUR money. They will often require you to share control of your bank accounts and sometimes credit information.

At no point in any relationship should someone try to take control of how your money is spent.

IT'S YOUR MONEY!



Here are a few examples of the behaviors of a Financial Abuser:

• Giving you an allowance and closely watching what you buy.
• Placing your paycheck in their account and denying you access to it.
• Keeping you from seeing shared bank accounts or records.
• Forbidding you to work or limiting the hours you do.
• Preventing you from going to work by taking your car or keys.
• Getting you fired by harassing you, your employer or coworkers on the job.
• Hiding or stealing your student financial aid check or outside financial support.
• Using your social security number to obtain credit without your permission.
• Using your child’s social security number to claim an income tax refund without your permission.
• Maxing out your credit cards without your permission.
• Refusing to give you money, food, rent, medicine or clothing.
• Causing visible bruises and scars so that you are too embarrassed to go to work.
• Using funds from your children’s tuition or a joint savings account without your knowledge.
• Spending money on themselves but not allowing you to do the same.

Emotional or Physical Abuse usually plays a part in a situation where you are being Financially Abused.

When your partner is taking money without your permission, it leaves you feeling vulnerable and thus makes it harder for you to try and leave.

You think that they still have some sort of control over you. 

If you feel like you need out of the relationship talk to someone you trust like a friend, family member, or even a legal advisor. Have them help you set up a secret location where you can set aside funds in case you do need out.

Last Monday!

Alright guys! So it's our last monday together and once again I will be answering any questions you may have. Those of you who are going out on their extern, I want to wish you all the best of luck! Those completing your degree, congratulations you made it! And for those of you who still have some classes to go, I wish you all the best in the rest of your time here!

Get to asking those questions! (;

Thanks,
Lisea

Second Monday!

Hey everyone!

So today is Monday! I will be answering your questions and responding to your comments. And again, if you feel like sharing any stories with me feel free to shoot me an email!

Thanks!
Lisea

Stalking

When someone thinks about the word stalking, they usually think of someone maybe following them around, taking pictures from far away, memorizing the person schedule, etc. But there are actually many types of stalking and I am going to share them with you.

A stalker can be classified as three different types: former sexual intimate, an acquaintance, or a stranger.

Former sexual intimates or Ex-intimates are far more likely to be violent to the victim than any other type of stalker.

There is a more complex list of five different types:

1. The rejected stalker
2. The resentful stalker
3. The intimacy seeking stalker
4. The incompetent suitor
5. The predatory stalker

If you would like any information on what these mean go to this website.

When it comes to a stalker, one of the best ways to get away from it is to get a restraining order. Without one, the stalker can be within feet of you. With a restraining order, however, this allows police to arrest the stalker on the spot if they disobey the order.

You may be asking, "Why do people stalk others?" Well the answer is simple. They stalk because they are "obsessed" with you, they want revenge, or they feel like they've been rejected.

Follow these steps to protect yourself if you believe you are being stalked.

To protect yourself from a stalker, be wary of your privacy. Instead of having your home address printed on your checks, for example, put an alternate P.O. box address printed on them. Be careful of who you give any personal information to i.e. phone number, or email address.

When you confront a stalker or are confronted by a stalker, don't be too nice. Stalkers know that most people were brought up to be polite, kind-hearted people and will use that to their advantage. They may say to meet them somewhere for lunch and when you agree, you make them believe that they have control over you.

If you are being stalked, and they stalker sends you things such as gifts, don't throw them away. You can use them as evidence if you ever needed to.

Tell your neighbors if you think you are being stalked. They will most likely watch your house if you're away and if they ever see any suspicious behavior they will tell you about it.

Take down any high shrubs, bushes, or trees that a stalker could hide behind. They WILL hide behind them.

Don't be afraid to tell your coworkers or boss. A stalker will always check your workplace if they are looking for you so it is good to let others know so that they can warn you or try to get the stalker to leave.

Take a self defense class. Be able to handle yourself if they ever try to attack you. It may just save your life.

Change your driving routes. If you think someone is following you, take a different turn or head to a friends house instead. If you think you are in very real danger, head toward your local police or fire station.

Emotional Abuse.

So yesterday I gave you a brief definition of what emotional abuse is and so today I'm going to tell you a little about what you can do to prevent or stop it from happening.

So I found this website and it has a lot of really great information so feel free to check it out!

The First thing to understand is that emotional abuse is directed at one person and the abuser is trying to control the person being abused. This often leads to that person feeling very unworthy and brings down their self esteem majorly.

The abuser will degrade you, yell at you (curse), or even try to publicly humiliate you. And will even try to make you fearful of them.

Emotional abuse isn't just between two people in a romantic relationship. It can be from a parent or teacher, a babysitter or caretaker, or from any other situation where there is a person who thinks they are in control of another person i.e. bosses, managers, etc.

If you think someone is being emotionally abused, look for these indicators:

• Depression or Withdrawal
• Low Self-Esteem
• Anxiety
• Extreme dependence on the abuser
• Feelings of guilt or shame

If you are being emotionally abused, only you can change it. The people who don't speak up are pretty much telling the abuser, "It's okay that you are doing this to me." When in reality, it's not! 

You need to set new and HEALTHY boundaries in the relationship. Tell the abuser, "It is NOT okay that you are doing this to me, and I will NOT put up with it anymore." If they are not receptive to the things you are sharing with them, seek professional help.

Don't be afraid to go to therapy if you feel like you (and the abuser) really need it. In most cases, therapy will help the abuser see that what they have done is wrong. And they will most likely stop the abuse.

If you have any questions regarding this post, feel free to ask.

And if you feel like you are a victim of emotional abuse call this abuse hotline: 888-743-5754 

The many types of abuse

Some of you may not know about the many types of abuse, so today I'm going to touch base, and try my best to explain all of them.

Emotional Abuse/Verbal Abuse

Non-physical behaviors such as threats, insults, constant monitoring or “checking in,” excessive texting, humiliation, intimidation or isolation.

Stalking

Being repeatedly watched, followed or harassed.

Financial Abuse

Using money or access to accounts to exert power and control over a partner.

Physical Abuse

Any intentional use of physical force with the intent to cause fear or injury, like hitting, shoving, biting, strangling, kicking or using a weapon.

Sexual Abuse

Any action that impacts a person's ability to control their sexual activity or the circumstances in which sexual activity occurs, including restricting access to birth control or condoms.

Digital Abuse

The use of technology such as texting and social networking to bully, harass, stalk or intimidate a partner. Often this behavior is a form of verbal or emotional abuse perpetrated through technology.

Substance abuse
A patterned use of a substance (drug or alcohol) in which the user consumes the substance in amounts or with methods neither approved nor supervised by medical professionals


Tomorrow I will start with the first type of abuse and explain some of the steps you can take to try and prevent it and will go on to the next type, and the type after. You get the idea. And if any of you have any questions, feel free to ask!

First Monday!

Alright guys! I'm ready to hear your questions and comments and if you want to share any stories privately go ahead and email me!

lisea.bourns@gmail.com

Hahaha! Had to share this

Not for the faint of heart

Forewarning: The video below is very graphic. I could not watch the whole thing because it was just too horrible to continue but if you have a strong heart and can watch the whole thing then, go fo's it.




I really hope that this baby was taken away from this woman and that he doesn't have any permanent health issues! Poor guy! ):

My Strange Addiction: Baby Wipes

I don't know if I'll get in trouble for making this post and I sure hope I don't. But it's directly related to my topic and I feel like I really need to share it.

I don't know how many of you like to watch this show. It's just something that interests me. Tonight I was watching it on TLC and one of the stories in the episode really interested me.

This 43-year-old woman is addicted to baby wipes. Strange I know but I feel that she has a pretty valid reason to be "addicted" to them. When she was a child she was very severly abused. Proceeding the abuse she would be put into the shower. (I can only assume it was to wash away the blood from the way she was describing it but she never actually said that was the reason.) The shower was also what ended the abuse.

Just imagine, being terrified of something that people do every single day of their lives. How awful! ):

So she was explaining that she only showers about once every month because the shower terrify's her. And to replace this hygenic act, she turned to baby wipes. In the episode she said that after a while she stopped going out with friends or going to her children's school events because she was afraid that people would judge her because she wasn't clean.

At the end of the episode she turned to a therapist and has slowly started to overcome her fear of the shower because she doesn't want to rely on the baby wipes all the time.

Over 20 years and have passed, and this woman is still battling with the abuse from her past. It really does take a toll on people. Bigger than some of us would have imagined.

Thanks!
Lisea

Questions, Comments, Concerns?

Just so you all know, every Monday I will be answering any questions that you may have. If you have any comments or stories of your own that you would like to share just let me know and if you want we can make it a special blog post of the day!

Until next time!
Lisea

A Tremendous Recovery

Sorry that yesterday's post was so depressing. I promise today's will not be haha!

After all of that happened and I was waiting for sentencing I turned to sports. Something to keep my mind off of everything.

What I didn't expect was how much morals and values I would take from them. Everyone that I trained with in wrestling and martial arts all became family to me. It's kind of hard not to when you spend most of your time with them.

From after school practices, to long weekend tournaments, to just regular wrestling meets. Everyone was close and we all learned so much from each other.

You form friendships that will last forever even if you don't see each other every day. This man in the picture beside me was my high school wrestling coach. I've know him for a very long time. I was around when both of my older brothers wrestled and we were all coached by him.

He taught me that no matter how hard your life or the match before you was and you just felt like giving up, don't. It won't make you stronger if you quit. It won't teach you anything. If you don't give up and try your hardest, even if you don't succeed you will learn from your mistakes and become better. Become stronger. Become wiser.

I know I'm not perfect and I still have a lot of life to live. But with the things that I've experience and overcome, I know that I will never be the same as I was. I will have many more obstacles I'm sure, and I am ready to overcome those too. And I know that I have so many people who will support me and be there for me when I am falling.


Thanks!

Lisea

A Tragic Past

This is going to be very difficult to write, but I think to fully understand who I am as a person that it has to be shared. And it is directly related to my topic in one specific way. For legal reasons, I will not be using real names in this post.


Where to start? When I was very young, like three years old or so, my father left my mom, my two brothers, and me. After the divorce my mom met my step-dad and when I was seven they were married. I grew up calling him Dad because he really was the only "dad" I ever had. He had a son of his own but he is not a part of this story. Although, he knows about everything I am about to write. Now to get into the hard stuff.

When I was eight years old, we started going to a new church and that summer they had a church camp at Camp Tapawingo in Oregon. During the first couple of days I was fine and was involved in all the activities that I could be. Then about day 5 or so I became very sick. I had a raging temperature and was puking all over the place. It was not a pretty site. They took me to the nurses office and there was a bed and a cupboard that had all the medicines in it and I stayed there for the remainder of our stay. The nurse there was really nice and he was a nurse at a small doctors office in Portland, Oregon.

My parents were very grateful toward him because he took really good care of me and they all became friends. So we left Sunday afternoon and I was feeling better. The next day I stayed home from school just in case I wasn't fully recovered and by Tuesday, I was back in school. The following Sunday we were back in church and David had come up to my mom and dad after church and suggested that we all have a get together and just hang out. My parents agreed and the following Thursday he came over and we just hung out like planned.

A few months down the road, we had had many get-together's with David, almost every week, and he could tell that my parents were a little stressed and could use a date night so he offered to watch us the following Saturday.They agreed, and about every 2 or 3 Saturday's my mom and dad would go on date night and David would watch us kids. Well a couple months went by and David suggested that he could watch us at his house and we could spend the night while my parents went on date night and my parents agreed once again.

The first few times, nothing happened. Everything was as it should be. We would watch some movies, or play some board games and it was fun. Then, things started getting kind of weird. And remember I was only about 8 or 8 and a half at the time so I didn't really understand much of what was happening to me. He would get out the board games like normal and we would go a couple rounds and then he suggested we try something new. He said that game was called "strip" whatever the game was that we were playing. My oldest brother was never really around for that part and I think it was because David was afraid he might say something to my parents and he didn't want them to know.

So this happened almost every time that we would go over there and he made us promise that we wouldn't say anything. Being the young and naive children that we were, we agreed. Then he stepped it up. He would take us, me and my brother John into the bedroom and do very disturbing things to us. Then after a while he stopped bringing John into the room and it was just me. He would do some inappropriate things to me and on some nights he would even drug me. Some sort of pill that would make me loopy. He would take inappropriate pictures of me and then "delete" them. This went on for about 5 years.

By the time I reached fourth grade I knew that what he was doing was bad, but I didn't want my parents to think it was my fault and I didn't want them to reject me so I kept it a secret. Well one day;5 years later, at about 4:30 PM, my mom was on her way home from work and my dad was still at his job, and my brothers and I heard a knock at our door. David's nephew Oscar was over and we were all hanging out so we all went to the window to see who it was and it was the police. They asked if our parents were home and we said that our mom would be home in about 15 minutes so they waited outside. My mom got home and was very confused. She invited the officer's and the child services lady in and then called my dad to tell him to rush home. So he did.

While we all waited for my dad to get home, she offered them some coffee and then my dad walked through the door. The child service's lady asked us kids to go to the back room and turn on the radio so we did. She then proceeded to ask my parent's about David and how we had all met and then she told my parents that they had been watching his activity online and were growing suspicious and that they had found some picture's of me on his computer. She then told my parents that I was a victim of sexual abuse and that they were opening a full investigation and that David had been put in federal prison

They talked to me, and they talked to my brothers and they also talked to Oscar to see what we knew. They explained to my parents that it would be a long process and that my brother John and I would need to go into the child service's office to arrange therapy and to have an interview with some more people. About a year or two later, therapy was over and life went on but the investigation wasn't over yet. We would occasionally have to go in for questioning and talk with our lawyer about everything. Both of my brothers went into the military after high school. So they weren't really around toward the end of it all. In September of 2012, the investigation finally came to a close and he was sentenced to 35 years to life in federal prison.

I know that this is a sad story. One that I have had to deal with my WHOLE life. But in all honesty I am a stronger person because of it. Please don't feel sorry for me because I don't feel sorry for myself. And with God's help I am SLOWLY learning to forgive David for all the wrong he has done in my life. Also I would appreciate it if you didn't look anything up because I have just told you all you need to know.


Thanks!
Lisea